Letting Go of the "Supposed To's"

Not gonna lie, this quarantine is kicking my booty. All of it. The craziness of seeing masked people out in public places. The grocery store shortages. The E Learning. The being stuck together in the house 24/7. The endless Zoom calls! (There are times I've had to find five different spots in the house for five people doing five separate Zoom calls at the same time! I feel like I might lost my mind sometimes!) Days blurring into each other with the monotony of one unending Groundhog Day...

Jonah and Ben were supposed to graduate from high school in a matter of days, after enjoying their Senior Prom. Aidan was supposed to have an 8th grade graduation. He was also supposed to have a Confirmation at church, and Ella was supposed to get her braces off. Ella was supposed to celebrate the end of elementary school with a 5th grade picnic, and an all-school send off on her last day.

All these “supposed to’s”...gone.

Four years ago, we realized that each of our kids would reach a major academic milestone in 2020. Since 2016, I’ve been planning and dreaming about a celebration that would gather all the people who have helped our kids along their challenging road in one place so we could say “thank you!” I’ve been anticipating this end of the year Thank You Party for four years. I have invitations printed. Cards ready to send. The venue reserved.

My Thank You Party was supposed to happen in June. Another “supposed to,” gone.

Although this time has shifted everything we know as “normal,” in clear moments I choose to see it as a time of reorganizing and re-prioritizing. The last 50-some days have demonstrated that Alex can get his job done at home and doesn’t need to commute an hour each way to a 13-hour work day. It’s shown us that we don’t need to eat fast food as much as we did. It’s given me time to spend at home without frantically carting kids around to all their activities every day. It's given our family time to cook, chat, relax, play games and dolls, do puzzles, watch movies. It’s forced us stay home and work through all that togetherness, when usually the teens would escape and head off with friends or find an outside distraction.

No doubt, this is a hard time. I don’t know what our world’s exit strategy is for getting out of this loop of crisis. I feel heartbroken for the families who are suffering with health and economic fears. I see the discrepancy between those who have a life where they can relatively comfortably wait this pandemic out at home, and those who are scrambling to pay rent and put food on their tables. I recognize how privileged our family is.

Even though our family is relatively comfortable, we are still grieving losses. We’re grieving the “supposed to’s.” The closure that comes from graduation celebrations. The pictures of fifth graders at their end of the year picnic, cheeks painted with butterflies and soccer balls, sweat and joy dripping down their faces as they stride into middle school. The ability to thank all the people who have supported our family through the last decade of challenges. There is a lot of grief tied up in these days.

Like brushing the mulch off a tiny tulip sprout, almost hidden in the spring soil, I need to remember to turn my attention to finding the beauty in this darkness. The beauty is definitely there, but sometimes it’s easier to focus on the chaos and fear than to search for the gifts that challenges bring me.

There are gifts. There is also mourning in the loss of the “supposed to’s.” I think the two have to learn to coexist. I’ve decided that it’s ok for me to take a nap on a random Wednesday afternoon if I can’t bear the exhaustion of this hamster-wheel-life anymore. And it’s also ok to cherish a walk with my husband, just the two of us- no dogs, no kids- for the first time in 15 years. It’s ok to feel grief and joy at the same time.

Whatever we feel, going through this strange time, it’s ok. We’re learning what really matters. We’re learning how to look at things through a different lens. We’re learning what is truly important.

Change is hard. So hard. I try to find comfort in the fact that although my “supposed to’s” aren’t happening, although it doesn't feel the same, I’m finding other ways of celebrating milestones.

Whether we find ourselves falling asleep when we should be helping a kiddo do his E learning, or endlessly scrolling through Facebook when we should be folding the mountain of clean laundry piled in the family room, we all have to find ways to survive this difficult time. We’re not perfect; we’re human. And being human is messy. Learning to live with joy and grief at the same time is an unnatural, uncomfortable juxtaposition, but I think it bears recognizing the opportunity for growth and healing during this change.

Do what you need to do to stay well. Embrace the messiness of humanity, and search the darkness for hidden treasures. I promise you, they are there.

xoxo