Trust and Jump: It's Never Too Late to Be Who You Want to Be

A couple months ago, a friend had a medical emergency. I had the privilege of helping him navigate the crisis and get the help he needed. When the paramedics arrived, I was on the floor taking care of my friend. Because of how he was positioned, I knew the paramedic could not reach my friend's hand to put the pulse oximeter on his finger to measure the oxygen level in his blood. So I took the pulse ox from the paramedic and put it on my friend’s finger. The paramedic looked at me and asked, “Are you a nurse or a medic?” I said I’m neither, I’m just a mom whose kids have a lot of medical issues so I’ve had a lot of experience with medical crises.

As that day wore on, I thought about the paramedic’s words, and it hit me: Why aren’t I a nurse or a paramedic? I thought about how over the past year there have been several times where I have witnessed a stranger’s medical emergency and I’ve run towards the emergency without hesitation, and somehow knew what to do to help. Once at a vendor show, I didn’t even see the emergency happen. I just heard a sound and knew that someone had hit the floor a couple booths away from me. I ran to where the young man was and sure enough, he was having a seizure.

I have been a witness to the medical field for over 18 years now, since my kiddos and I have had so many unique and frustrating health challenges. We have had all sorts of medical, trauma, behavioral, and psychiatric emergencies, which, in hindsight, have given me a valuable perspective into emergency medicine. I've always wanted to help others, which is why I got a Master's in Social Work before we had kids. The past couple years I felt like I have been looking for my calling; searching for what my purpose is, aside from raising my beautiful children or being a social worker. I've tried a variety of things, but nothing felt quite right. So I just kept my heart open and kept waiting. Very impatiently.

When the idea of emergency medicine came to me, I felt like I was in love for the first time all over again. For days I had goosebumps, I couldn't think about anything else, I was slightly obsessed. Yes, I did think I was crazy. Yes, I was quite terrified to tell anyone else about my insane idea.

I tested the idea out on my husband. For the record, he did think I was nuts. Because he is a rational human being who doesn't do a 180 degree life change on a random Tuesday. (Like the woman he married has been known to do.) But he didn't totally dismiss the idea, and also said he supports me no matter what craziness I come up with because I'm always right when I follow my heart. Then I tested my dream out on my therapist. She laughed when I told her my idea, but it was a good laugh. It was a laugh that said, "Wow, that Carrie always has a surprise up her sleeve!" And she also supported it and thought I was completely capable of making it happen. I talked the dream through over and over, trying to figure out if it was at all possible, or if I had finally lost all my remaining marbles.

I waited for that "first love" feeling to dissipate, for my goosies and heart flutters to go away, but they didn't. My heart kept beating with "do it do it do it." I was overpowered with a feeling of electric excitement.

I didn’t know what in the world I would do with my training, and I'm still not totally sure. But I did some research and decided that I had to follow my heart into Emergency Medicine, as an EMT. Sometimes your heart knows what you need to do before your brain does, so I always try to trust my heart.

I weighed the options of training programs that were available. The fall semester had already started at the local colleges and schools of emergency medicine, so if I went that route, I’d have to wait until the Spring semester to get started.

I’m not a Wait-er. When I get struck with a lightening bolt of inspiration, I move Heaven and Earth to make it happen. I don't "wait until the Spring semester." I'm definitely not a Wait-er.

I kept digging, and found that there are some online programs scattered throughout the country. I picked one based in Minnesota. (Because I’m partial to MN, having lived there on and off through the years, and because it was within driving distance so I wouldn't have to fly during a global pandemic.) I took a deep breath and registered for the program. For me, it was better than the traditional approach for many reasons, including the fact that you can work at your own pace. When you are finished with the lecture and test portion of the class, you spend one week in MN learning all the hands on skills. We decided it was better, and less disruptive, for our family if I was gone one solid week rather than every weeknight for four months, which is what the traditional in-person programs would require.

I loved the online part of the class. I just kept plugging away at my work, little by little, in quiet stolen moments before the house was awake or after everyone went to bed. I was registered to go to Skills Week at the end of March, because that was the first opening they had available. But I put my name on the wait list for January and February, because I knew I’d finish the online portion of the course by the end of December. This is how much the Universe loves me: the week of Christmas, I got an email saying there was an opening in the Skills week at the end of January if I was able to come. (Insert cartwheels, champagne, and fireworks.)

Right now I’m sitting in my hotel room in Minnesota, waiting for a blizzard. I have spent this week learning EMT skills along with 19 other people from 10 different states. This morning I finished the NREMT Psychomotor Skills Exam. My Skills Week has been a culmination of intense learning, practice, studying, memorizing, more practice, more studying, and more memorizing. My EMT program has given me the tools I needed to gain confidence and ultimately hold the skills that every EMT in America is expected to have. We were tested on 6 skills this morning, and we were told failure is common. Some of the skills are easy, but two are very difficult. I haven’t done anything this entire week except stay focused on my end goal of passing these skills today. And I DID IT!!! (Cue more champagne and fireworks, please!)

This morning I was doing my last round of studying before my skills test. I was too nervous to eat. As I sat on the little sofa in my hotel room, tears of gratitude stung my eyes. I am beyond blessed. I am so lucky to have a family that is supportive of all my out-of-the-box endeavors. My husband has been home all week, juggling kids and dogs and virtual learning and dentist visits and dance classes and cooking and laundry. My twins have called from college with roomfulls of friends who literally cheer me on and remind me that I can do anything I set my mind to. I am grateful for my brother and his family who send me messages every day making sure I know they're thinking of me, and my parents who are always my biggest cheerleaders. I thought about my extended family and all my friends, and how whether they know what I'm up to or not, they've always got my back.

When I left my driveway a week ago, I started smiling. I don't think I stopped for the whole 7 hours it took to get to my hotel in another state. I envisioned everyone's supportive thoughts for me as little wisps of butterfly wings, a flock of fluttering love, pushing me along this new adventure, behind and beside me, always with me.

A couple years ago, I spent a weekend downtown Chicago at a writer's conference. I took the train down, by myself. It was the first time I had done anything like that since having kids. I felt strong and confident and inspired, and like I was more than "just" a Mama. I took a picture that weekend of my luggage resting by my feet at the edge of the train platform, to remind myself that I am, in fact, not "just" a Mama, but a human who can change the world. I am a girl who can go anywhere and do anything. For me to be sitting here in MN, having spent an entire week away from home (and have everyone be fine with that)...that is truly a miracle of monumental proportions. And I am so grateful. It has been 18 years since I have been able to think about who I want to be in this world, what I want to give to this world, aside from the care I give my little lovies at home. I love to look back and see how all the things that have happened have led me to this very spot in time and space, and how it is all perfect.

I still have two more hoops to jump through before I am an officially licensed EMT. But I’m taking one thing at a time, and I’m determined. When I’m determined, I don’t let anything stand in my way. So yes, this is a super nutty idea- who would ever have expected me to work in emergency medicine?!? I am actually the very last person on the planet who would have thought this is something I would ever do.

This week we got to practice a wide variety of scenarios and skills, including things like a "mega trauma." As our team was working on our pretend patient, I kept getting goosebumps. I felt like I was home, working alongside my fellow almost-EMT's.

I’ll let you in on a little secret: you’re never too old to listen to your heart. (Trust me- I asked. I called around and double checked that I'm not too old to be an EMT.) :) It's never too late to be who you want to be. It’s ok if the rest of the world thinks you’re a complete lunatic. If your heart leads you towards something, listen to it. Follow it. Trust it.

Just trust and take that leap of faith.

Trust and jump.

Those are words I live by. Trust and jump.

I don’t know where this EMT certification will lead me, but I’m staying open and listening for the wisdom of my soul. I usually don't understand The Plan, and I can be pretty impatient. But I do trust that there is a Plan, and for my part in it, I am grateful.